PORTLAND, OR June 3, 2021, 7:09am PST Cyber attacks have found their way to one of Portland’s most beloved industries; its popular downtown hugging and cuddling shops. Just days after one of the largest meat suppliers in the U.S. was shut down by ransomware attacks from Russian hackers, Cuddle with Cari and Hannah’s Hug House were both hit with cyber attacks Monday. Both Portland businesses were reportedly crippled within hours. …

Washington D.C. Monday May 24, 2021 — The much anticipated coming of CicadaMania2021 is the latest event to be threatened by the generational divide. The once-every-17 year phenomenon could now be the latest victim of cancel culture by young cicadas. The issue began on twitter when a young red-eyed Brood 10 cicada tweeted that “2021 is the year BroodX is taking over”, signaling a power shift from the older more moderate Locusts from the previous uprising 17 years ago.

“We are BroodX. And we demand to be Heard!” said a young cicada with red-eyes as he sat vaping on a…

After a couple of months at home in this pandemic, I’ve come to realize that I’ve forgotten how to do some very basic things. Experts say it takes 66 days to form habits, so it makes sense that in as many days in lockdown now, everyday habits are starting to fade from memory. Even the simplest things. Like how to unlock my front door with a key. I used to do it numerous times per day without much thought. I even have some of those colored plastic key identifiers so I know which key unlocks which door. But the other…

WASHINGTON DC, April 4th, 2020, 9:26am EST — After being warned on Sunday by Surgeon General Jerome Adams that “This is going to be the hardest and saddest week of most Americans’ lives.”, President Trump again invoked the 1950 Defense Production Act to order another American company to pivot from their normal business model to produce goods to help with the Covid-19 pandemic. After the Surgeon General’s sobering Sunday morning statement on Fox News, the president moved to calm the panic later in the day when he ordered lingerie company Victoria Secret to “…immediately begin production on 100 million face…

If I get sick, I want a ventilator made by Tesla. Not one made by General Motors. No offense GM, but I want one that breathes on its own, not one that needs to be bailed out. I want one where I can sit behind the wheel of it and read the newspaper while it does the breathing. And if it costs 3 times as much as the GM ventilator, everyone will understand because it’s a Tesla after all.

I worked on a General Motors assembly line for 3 summers in college, and I’d never trust those folks to make…

WASHINGTON, DC — March 1, 2020 10:07am EST Vice President Mike Pence, who last week was put in charge of America’s response to the Coronavirus, today appointed Jesus Christ as his top administrator in charge of the pandemic. When asked by reporters if he was serious, the Vice President replied, “Yes, I always smirk like this.”

Pushback came not only from bemused Democrats but also from within Pence’s own White House. “Well I put Mike in charge, but now why is he putting an immigrant in charge?” asked President Trump yesterday on his 34th call-in this year to Sean Hannity’s…

WASHINGTON DC, February 20, 2020, 5:31pm EST — Following today’s sentencing of President Trump’s self described “dirty trickster”, Roger Stone, to 3 years and 4 months in prison, Trump announced today that he was pardoning Stone. Trump has pardoned other controversial convicted criminals this week, including junk bond king Michael Milken. What is different this time is that Trump cited the reason for the Stone pardon as a “public need for leadership” in Trump’s fledgling new branch of the military, Space Force. “I’m pardoning Roger Stone,” acknowledged the president, “and by the way I really don’t know him well at…

Thank you, Thomas Jefferson, for fucking us. Of all the things you could have had us pursue…You could’ve had us pursue basic pleasantries with our neighbors, and perhaps today we would not be a divided nation that can’t even talk to each other. You could’ve had us pursue good health, and then maybe today Americans would not be the most obese people in the world. You could’ve had us pursue knowledge and then we’d not be having to bribe our kids into college. If you had chosen knowledge instead of happiness, then maybe 1/3 of Americans wouldn’t believe Russia is…

Because the House Rules seemed to work so swimmingly in the Impeachment hearings, I decided to try to institute them at my house. After all, these rules go back to the framers. They’re tried and true for centuries. Why wouldn’t we all be using them in our houses?

So when my wife called me to come in from my gardening because she just thought of something she wanted to tell me and it couldn’t wait, I replied “For what purpose does the gentlelady from California seek recognition?” Turns out, that didn’t go over very well. …

It begins in the morning, my desire to be more conservative. Not because I admire conservative ideology, I do not. But merely for the convenience of it. Being a liberal is just so much harder.

In the morning shower there is always a spider awaiting me. I don’t know why my shower has so damned many spiders and I want to ask everyone I know if there’s a spider in their shower every morning but you don’t dare ask people about their showers nowadays. My first instinct, although I’m a liberal, is always quite conservative; KILL IT. It’s an instinct…

Jay McAdams

Jay is an LA-based writer and theatre artist writing about the absurdity of everyday life in the 21st century.

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