If I Get the Virus, Get Me a Tesla

If I get sick, I want a ventilator made by Tesla. Not one made by General Motors. No offense GM, but I want one that breathes on its own, not one that needs to be bailed out. I want one where I can sit behind the wheel of it and read the newspaper while it does the breathing. And if it costs 3 times as much as the GM ventilator, everyone will understand because it’s a Tesla after all.

I worked on a General Motors assembly line for 3 summers in college, and I’d never trust those folks to make me a lifesaving piece of equipment. If I want a ventilator where the windows get stuck, I’ll buy a GM ventilator. Imagine the commercials for GM ventilators. The compact new GM Wheezer, the fun sporty breathing machine. Or The GM S-360 Heavy Breathing Mini-Truck Machine. Or The GM Electric PURR, the quietest ventilator on the market, and it comes with its own charging station.

Now I’d consider a ventilator made by Hummer, not just because as a child of the 60’s and 70’s I still laugh at the word hummer, but also because theirs would be called the Hummer BLOW, which is just too funny for words. BMW would also make a great ventilator because they’re German. Nuf said.

I am also excited about the SpaceX ventilator. I want one that will land right beside me as I gasp for air on my sofa. A bearded working-at-home millennial in his tight-fitting plaid pajama suit will land the ventilator upright, on my coffee table without disturbing so much as a coaster, using his rebuilt x-box remote. These kids today.

But wait. Now we’ve come full circle. Tesla and SpaceX are both one single genius; Elon Musk. Does the fate of mankind really depend on one broke gazillionaire stoner tech entrepreneur? I feel like I’m on Mars. OMG, Musk is the Get-Me-to-Mars guy too! I do hope Elon is working from home and taking his Covid-19 precautions seriously by washing his hands frequently. Because clearly, he holds the whole world in them.

Originally published at http://theatreoftheabsurdblog.wordpress.com on March 29, 2020.