WASHINGTON, DC — March 1, 2020 10:07am EST Vice President Mike Pence, who last week was put in charge of America’s response to the Coronavirus, today appointed Jesus Christ as his top administrator in charge of the pandemic. When asked by reporters if he was serious, the Vice President replied, “Yes, I always smirk like this.”
Pushback came not only from bemused Democrats but also from within Pence’s own White House. “Well I put Mike in charge, but now why is he putting an immigrant in charge?” asked President Trump yesterday on his 34th call-in this year to Sean Hannity’s show on FOX. “There are some educated Mexicans I’m told. But we don’t need the uneducated ones, like Jesús. We need the highly educated ones, like the Saudis.”, added Trump in his 42-minute FOX News tirade. “And we shouldn’t pay Jesús one single American peso either, because the Catholic church already has more money than God.”
In response to Pence’s announcement, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer delivered the shortest speech in the history of the Senate, saying only, “Jesus H. Christ!”, before walking away from the podium shaking his head.
Other Democrats pointed out how the largest spread of HIV in the country happened in Indiana when Pence was Governor. In 2016 The New York Times reported on how Pence’s evangelical religious beliefs were said to have caused delays in getting needle exchange programs in place in spite of the urging by the CDC. “Hundreds of people like me got AIDS while Pence was busy praying about it.” said Jerome Black, an HIV positive Muncie man.
Health organizations including the World Health Organization, Center for Disease Control, and National Institutes of Health, sent a letter to Vice President Pence’s office stating the seriousness of this pandemic and stressing the urgent need to appoint a “living” administrator. “We must seriously appoint a qualified administrator, Mr. Vice President, in the next 72 hours or we risk a global crisis worse than the deadly flu pandemic of 1918.” The letter called on the Vice President to “…appoint someone who is alive, on earth, right now, who we can see, and touch (with gloves), and is in fact a real human being, to coordinate the CDC’s national response to this rapidly spreading global pandemic.”
Pence’s office responded to the letter from health officials with a tweet. “Who has more experience than Jesus Christ? He knows what it’s like 2 suffer, without a tetanus shot when he needed 1 most. And we get a 2-fer with his dad, who created health care N the 1st place.”
Originally published at http://theatreoftheabsurdblog.wordpress.com on March 1, 2020.