Your Hit Parade!
Finally, a great idea from our Covfefe-in-Chief; a military parade down Pennsylvania Avenue. Fantastic! How could we not, right? I mean, we’ve got the toughest and most expensive military on Earth, so why not show it off? When the world sees what we’ve got up our sleeve, they’ll lie down their weapons and roll over. As W. used to say, “Mission Accomplished!”
Picture this! The parade begins with Wonder Woman, not the cartoon, but the real live Wonder Woman from the movie, in full costume flying her invisible plane (the one from the cartoon, only because I don’t think there really is an invisible plane in real life). If there is really one, then we go with that. Just that beautiful Israeli actor (cuz we like the Israelis more than the Palestinians, we just do) in her colorful spandex zooming over the streets of D.C. And because recreational marijuana is legal in D.C., this will make for an absolutely mind-blowing opening for liberals! Forget the stealth bomber flyover, cuz that’s soooooo Rose Parade. No, this is f’ing WONDER WOMAN!
Then, we follow that big opening with the grand marshall, none other than… wait for it… Frederick Douglass! Yep, Captain Cheetoh has said that Frederick has… “done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more.” We should definitely show him off to the rest of the world. Plus it shows that Trump is not racist. At all. Mr. Douglass will be alone on foot.
Right behind Frederick Douglass will march the tiki-torch brigade from Charlottesville (who were actually not from there but came there to show off their intimidating back yard tiki’s). We could even put some colored mosquito fluid in them so the ones at the front burn blue and red. We can get the colored fluid and some extra torches at Home Depot if we do the parade in the summer months. They won’t wear uniforms, because they’re not really military, they’re more like the Army’s back-up plan. But still, we got ’em, so why not show ’em off. The whole world’s watching, after all. The tiki brigade will all be asked to wear button down shirts (if they have one) all tucked in. And their hair needs to be combed, with product, and they’ll be clean shaven, again, to demonstrate to the rest of the world that even white supremacists in America are really fine people. And because these guys are nazi-wannabees, they should be the ones to do the goose-stepping. You NEVER have a military parade without the goose-stepping marchers. That’s what scares your enemies most! Because to do that for more than two blocks seriously kills your lower back, no matter how much training you have or how much lower-back support is built into your costume. And people who can goose-step like that, can easily kick your ass. They will need to practice so as not to spill the mosquito fluid from their tiki’s while goose-stepping, but just imagine if all those elegant torches are at the exact same symmetrical angle…that’ll be sweet, and intimidating.
Behind the tiki’s comes the smack down to Russia. The Speaker of the people’s House of Representatives, a shirtless and buff Paul Ryan on horseback, bareback (cuz that’s how he likes it) in the boldest political statement of the parade. It says “You, Vladimir Putin, are not the only one with a horse. And while our president is technically obese, our Speaker works out even more than a KGB agent.” We’ll rub him down with baby oil before the parade begins so his rippled chest is all shiny, like Mitch McConnell whenever he’s standing at a podium. And maybe we play that Lee Greenwood song that Republicans love so much as he rides slowly, clip clop clip clop, past the Starbucks on the corner of K Street where Ambassador Kislyak hangs out. And it’s not just any old horse, it’s a Clydesdale, since they’re not using them for the Super Bowl anymore, and maybe he’s even holding a Budweiser. He couldn’t drink the beer, cuz that’d be illegal to drink it in public, but he could hold it label out, clearly saying “Cheers Russia. In your eye!”.
Then, America’s own Cirque du Soleil, from French-speaking Canada in Las Vegas. These guys are just weird and mind-blowing. They speak in gibberish (or maybe it’s French), they defy gravity, and everybody loves them. Even the Taliban will love these guys because they appeal to literally everyone. And they’re sneaky. They’ll not just walk down the street behind the Clydesdale carrying America’s budget-stud. Nope, they’ll come from the crowd. From within! Imagine the surprised Republicans lining the parade route, when these colorful bizarre Chinese acrobats from France and Canada and Las Vegas emerge right from the crowd and onto the street, cartwheeling and jabbering with that very fun dreamy music. And having Cirque will truly drive the ticket prices through the roof, so we can charge an extra $100 per parade route ticket and maybe begin to pay for the $1.5 trillion dollar tax-cut.
Colin Kaepernick will follow Cirque on an orange bicycle with training-wheels. The bike will have a sign saying “ALL Lives Matter” to show the world that we in America care about ALL colors equally, (especially Orange). Also, it’ll tell the world that we won the football fight about the national anthem, which will be playing loudly in the background. NOBODY will be kneeling because Kaepernick will be strapped onto that bike so he can’t get off. The training wheels are mostly just to embarrass him, but they will actually come in handy when he gets tired, around mile two, as he’s no Lance Armstrong. And believe me, not only will Kaepernick agree to do it, but he will pay for the bike!
We should close the parade with our best technology! No, not i-phones. Imagine, a naturalized American citizen who originally came from a shithole country (to show that we love immigrants when they have skills… and financing) sitting behind the wheel of a red convertible Tesla, playing David Bowie music, and the car is perched on the nose of the most powerful rocket ever! No, wait. That’s too much. Nobody would ever believe that.
Originally published at theatreoftheabsurdblog.wordpress.com on February 7, 2018.