Trump offers Solution to Chinese Spy Balloon

Jay McAdams
3 min readFeb 7, 2023

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Palm Beach, Florida. Feb 7, 2023 10:12am EST Former President Donald Trump said Sunday in Florida that if he were still the Commander-in-Chief he would “…launch a shock and awe campaign against China that would take care of everything.”

Trump spoke at a $24 Sunday Brunch Buffet in Mar-a-Lago’s downstairs restaurant just after the church groups arrived.

“I alone have the secret weapon.” Trump said. “And I guarantee the kids would love it as well as the generals. But the Chinese wouldn’t believe what they were seeing,” Trump said to a standing room only crowd of Baptist elders.

“Imagine beautiful Bullwinkle coming down out of the clouds,” Trump told the crowd over the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. “Everybody loves Bullwinkle. Who doesn’t love Bullwinkle? And they love beautiful Bullwinkle even as he swoops down on Saigon. See? That’s shock and awe.”

When pressed for details by Ruby, the church volunteer who chose this restaurant, Trump said, “Look Ruby, beautiful Ruby, I own the building where they store the Macy’s Day Parade balloons. Okay? I would launch a battalion of balloons, that’s what the military likes to call it, Batallion Batallion, And it is fun to say Batallion, a battalion of Balloons. Not just one like sleepy sloppy Joe,” Trump said. “But that’s just the beginning Ruby. We could infect Wonder Dog with an infectious disease like they did to the Indians. Some like to say indigenous, but I like to say Indians. Because they were Indians. In fact isn’t there a Sacajawea Balloon in the parade? I think we have that. That’d send a message to all the Chinese women that we really like women. You know I’ve always loved women.” Trump said to great cheers from the senior citizen church group, but it was not clear if the cheer was because of the new dish of scrambled eggs that had just been placed in the buffet.

Trump’s press secretary, Tina, who was also the Puerto Rican buffet hostess, said as she was seating a deuce by the window, “He has this very good plan to use what we already have. Puerto Ricans are used to that. And his creativity is to use balloons that the Chinese will love to attack them. Because they are the balloons from the parade. As long as we get them back by November,” Tina added.

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Jay McAdams

Jay is an LA-based writer and theatre artist writing about the absurdity of everyday life in the 21st century.